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Day 301: Un-sexy Halloween costume ideas

So, I've had like a dozen conversations lately about the whole Sexy Halloween thing. I think that Cady says it best in Mean Girls, thusly:

"Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it."

...and that's not a bad thing. Dan Savage quite convincingly explains that Halloween is like Gay Pride for straight people - a time to get all slutty in crazy outfits and celebrate your heterosexuality. This post on Feministing agrees, saying "What's wrong with having a night where we can say 'This is my body, and I'm not ashamed of it, or of using it to express my sexuality.'"

But sexy (noun) costumes are now so de rigeur, that the best way to really stand out on Halloween is by dressing as unsexy as possible. 

As such, I humbly present...

The 5 Un-Sexiest Halloween Costumes of all
*that you can do with the same ugly dress and/or skirt (mostly)

Elaine from Seinfeld

Julia Louis-Dreyfus is obviously gorgeous and all that, but if you look at the first like, 5 seasons of Seinfeld? Elaine was wandering around in oversized floral granny skirts, oversized blazers, and her trademark WALL OF BANGS. What's great about this costume is that, everybody wil know who you are (esp. if you break out the Elaine thumbs dance) but you'll be super comfy, way warmer than the Slutty Newspapers, and earn total hipster points for the creative nostalgic costume.

Cathy from the comic strip Cathy
Wear your hair parted in the middle and pin-straight, wear a 80s-style business suit, and carry around a cartoon voice bubble that says "ACK!" Alternately, wear a matching sweatsuit and carry around a pop can marked DIET. And also the "ACK!" cartoon bubble.

Miss Frizzle from The Magic School Bus

Everybody's favourite children's book teacher dresses appropriately for every situation. Going to outer space? Dress covered with planets and stars! Going inside the human body? Dress covered with amoebas and body parts! Going to my house? Dress covered in nail polish swatches and cat hair!

Frizz up your hair, add matching earrings, and you're good to go!

Michelle "hardest working uterus in the U.S.A." Duggar
Similar hairdo to the Elaine costume (i.e. permed hair, WALL OF BANGS), similar baggy, long skirt and/or dress, just carry around like 19 baby dolls with you.

The Crazy Cat Lady from The Simpsons.

Again, use the same unflattering, baggy long skirt and/or dress, put on a cardigan (covered in cat hair, if possible), make your hair messy and frizzy, and carry around (and/or safety pin to your clothes) several stuffed cats.

So go out there and stand out from the crowd of Sexy Big Birds and Sexy Cadavers and Sexy Toasters and whatnot! Your odds for winning the costume contest will go up, too, because nobody else will be dressed like you!

1 comment:

Michelle P said...

Haha love this! I love finding a cute outfit for Halloween, it's the only time that you can wear whatever you want.

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