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Day 139: Your frugal guide to the Rapture

So, you might have heard that Saturday is going to be Judgment Day. If not, here is a good summary of why some people think that is going to be the case.

And if you're like me, I know just what you're thinking: how frugal is the Rapture going to be? Well, let's figure that out. But first, here's a good soundtrack. Good songs are essential for going through the End of Days, as NPR points out.

So, on Saturday, what's going to happen is that Jesus is going to return to Earth and all of the dead people (who are born again) will be brought back to life!

What does this mean vis-a-vis frugality? Well, there are going to be a bunch more people around. Our dead relatives may need to stay with us, which will mean we will need to buy more food to feed them, and do more laundry.

Your house will be more full than Bob Saget's circa 1993!

Actually, this may not be the case. In extremely frugal fashion, the no-longer-dead-born-again-people will return not to their physical bodies, but to their spiritual bodies. Basically, they will be superheroes which means that they probably won't need to eat actual food. Free houseguests who also have superpowers (i.e. they can raise or lower the temperature of your home, thus freeing you from paying heat or lighting bills).

Note: the spiritual houseguests may be kind of creepy-looking a la Dr. Manhattan from Watchmen.

But actually, if it really is the End of Days, then probably all of the electricity will stop running and we will all return to the sort of typical post-Apocalyptic lifestyle as seen in the movie The Road.

Shopping carts for everybody!

So, all of the people who have not yet been born again will be left on Earth to await the Rapture. All of the born-again people will be swiftly carried off by Jesus to prepare elsewhere (...not sure where).

So, basically, a large amount of the population of the planet will disappear, which means more stuff for all of us left behind! And if you remember to RSVP, you can attend the Facebook event Post-Rapture Looting, which is really just like shopping for free.

But I know what you're thinking: after the End of Days, do I still need to stick to my budget and pay off my credit card debt? And the answer is, Why not? I mean, if the world going completely insane and your eternal soul is in question, I think it may be helpful to stick with some organizational structures. Otherwise it's just chaos, right?

I'm sure Gail would want us to keep up with the budget jars, post-Apocalypse.

Oh, but I just thought of another extremely important point: after the End of Days, can we still read finance blogs such as this one? And to that I have to say... probably.

The Internet, after all, was invented by the U.S. military as a back-up communication system in case all of the phone lines shut down. I'm not sure how exactly that is supposed to work, but I have to believe that at some point during the crazy history of the U.S., they worked out a backup internet program for after Judgment Day. So we should still be able to communicate, or at least, to Tweet to one another.

Neeeeed Twitterrrrrr

The last thing I will say is that, I was working at a grocery store in 1999 and, towards the end of the year (remember the Y2K fears?) more and more people were coming in to stockpile canned goods and jugs of water. So I learned that impending, forecasted disaster makes people make lots of impulsive spending decisions.

So my final lesson to you all is that you should, like Winston Churchill cautioned during the London Blitz, Keep Calm and Carry On! Don't buy lots of stuff just because the world might end. Or if you do buy lots of stuff, make sure it's something you're sure you can eat in the next two days. Or else that's just wasteful.

1 comment:

savingfortravel said...

Best post ever!

Unfortunately it's 7:58pm here in Australia and there's been no rapture. I was looking forward to the looting.

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